the good, the bad & the nerdy

long time no see

It’s been a really long time since I have posted anything and I’m not really sure why…

Lots of things have changed since my last couple posts, mostly for the worst. Most of the friends that I was spending time with have moved away or we’ve lost touch. They were all really great, artistic people and it really bothers me to not have those type of people surrounding me. Not that my current friends aren’t as good, but I just feel like I am losing my sense of individuality. I know that my friends shouldn’t determine who I am, but I am an extremely social person, so I usually ending up molding myself around the people I spend the most time with. Lately I have been feeling so fake and desperate. I’ve gained weight, I party too much, spend too much money, slack at school and I can’t seem to get myself out of this rut. I haven’t been studying Buddhism like I said I was going to and now I’m not going to Thailand to study abroad because I’ve ruined my grades and can’t seem to save any money for it. I don’t feel like I am living my life to the fullest. It feels more like I’m waiting around for something exciting to happen because I am too depressed, tired and unmotivated to make it happen myself. I wish I could have some self-discipline.

I’m going to the doctor to see if I might have a hormonal imbalance or something and I am really hoping that something is wrong with me, as bad as that sounds. If I don’t have a hormonal problem, I might have depression. If I don’t have depression, I am probably just lazy. I can’t handle the feeling that I am probably just lazy. I want to take a pill that makes me motivated and full of energy. I read my earlier posts and I just want to have the same outlook as I did then. I’m losing faith in myself and I am really worried that I am going to end up in a job I hate just because I have to pay my student loans and then work there for the rest of my life. I know we get to chose our own destiny’s, but I’ve talked to so many people that did that exact thing and are extremely unhappy.

ehh…

I am extremely self-centered. I hate the way I look. I make most of my decisions without really thinking them through. I find myself talking badly about other people just to make conversation. I fear that I am the real reason why none of my relationships have worked. I care entirely too much about what people think about me. I don’t really appreciate how easy school is for me. I talk too much.

The theme of the week seems to be insecurity. I feel extremely insecure about the way I look and my personality. I’m not sure why I feel this way all of the sudden, but I think it is mostly due to the fact that I don’t have many close friends here at Ferris. I am paranoid though, that I have some major flaw in my personality that pushes people away and I am not even aware of it.

I usually pride myself in being very self-aware, but lately, I feel that my awareness is maybe slipping.

NO SLEEP

I could not fall asleep last night until 3 in the morning. I then proceeded to wake up at 6 am and drift in and out of sleep until I had to get out of bed at 10… Wonderful. Sleeping is usually no issue for me, I mean, I would consider myself borderline narcoleptic at times. I can fall asleep in the middle of a sentence…

Anyways, no real profound thoughts so far today. I’m worried about my grades and keeping my scholarship, but its really difficult to care about school right now. Labor Economics 331 doesn’t seem to be my top priority. I feel like I am learning more when I am sitting in my religions class, or watching a really good movie. I don’t really think I’m going to use my degree, but I still want to finish school and be able to say that I graduated. We actually learned in economics that a bachelors degree is really just a 4 year performance test and it doesn’t truly matter what degree you get. So, I guess that makes me feel a little better. I feel bad though because I am doing really well with my degree, I mean, I’m even president of SHRM. I hate to not pursue something that I am good at, but its just not something I enjoy. Managing and controlling people seems to be the antithesis of any kind of a Buddhist/Transcendental/Drifter lifestyle that I have come to appreciate.

I am more excited about what is going to happen when I finally graduate. I know its going to be something big. I want to move to another country, or join the Peace Corps or something of the like. I want to take advantage of my age and just live freely. My mom moved out to California right when she graduated from high school and she still talks about what a wonderful time she had. I want those stories to tell. I feel like I was made for more than just going to college, getting a cubicle job after I graduate and wasting my entire life on a job that I don’t really like. I still have 2 years left of college and I am going to try my best to make the most of it. I feel like I can use the time to keep reading about Buddhism and Transcendentalism and maybe by the time I graduate I will know if it is just an adolescent phase, or something more serious. I really hope it is permanent and not just something I grow out of. I guess we shall see.

nothing special

Woke up a 1am. Ate some pizza. Video chatted with my mom. Nothing special, yet, it feels like a good day. I love being an optimistic and happy person. I am not sure if it is nature or nurture, but I think being unhappy all the time is no way to live. I am a realist, I understand that I am going to die some day and face continuous suffering throughout my small, insignificant life, but I am still so happy.

I do not desire fame or fortune and I do not want to be “successful” by the standards of our society. I want to be happy, in the truest sense of the word. Not happy because I do not face any sort of hardship or pain, but happy because I love who I am and the people that surround me. Happiness is not real unless you can share it with someone and it certainly is not real if you have not experienced suffering. How can you fully explain coldness, without experiencing heat?

I cannot say that being unhappy is a good thing, but it cannot be avoided. There is no sense in always trying to avoid pain when it is inevitable. Constantly trying to make yourself “happy” will usually result in more unhappiness. This is because we want to hold on to old feelings and old situations, but those are not what truly makes us happy. We will only be content if we simply let go of the idea that we are always supposed to be happy and come to the realization that we will always suffer, and it is perfectly okay. I want to embrace the bad and the good, knowing that it is only adding to my life experience and the comprehension of my own feelings.

I hate to bring religion into this, but truly, I think that most of the monotheistic religions focus too much attention on giving a “purpose” for life and worshiping a higher being to find this purpose. Can we not find this purpose inside ourselves? I do not need a higher being to give me a reason to wake up in the morning. Love and happiness are my reasons. I just want to live in the present moment and experience real, visceral feelings which may or may not have a particular reason.

“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                   -Dalai Lama